I'm in the process of creating a short, three-part primer on relational and conversational principles. In this first entry, we look at the vital role "No" plays in the health of our relationships:

Principles of Productive Discourse, Part 1:
Saying yes to "no"

One of the most important insights into healthy relationships was given to me by a mentor I had in college. “One of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is the ability to give and receive the word ‘no,’” he told me. Over a decade later, this insight still informs how I engage in building and sustaining healthy relationships, be it with my wife, family, coworkers, or anyone in between.

This sounds simple enough. But like patience, kindness, and many other foundational principles, it’s also easy to forget. Additionally, the importance of “no” is something we just don’t spend much time on. Outside of a decades-old anti-drug campaign, and the recent public conversation around the grossly-neglected topic of consent, what it means to say or hear “no” is something that seems to escape our collective consciousness. Why is that?

Before moving on, some clarification would probably be helpful. I am only referring to what “no” means in the context of personal relationships, and the expression of one’s own desires, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. That’s it. This is not about political debate or policymaking, though it may certainly inform those things.

In order to understand the importance of communicating “no,” we must first understand exactly what it means from a philosophical standpoint. Examined outside of specific circumstances, “no” communicates separation, difference, and independence. Hearing “no” means the subconscious realization that perspectives exist outside of your own. Accepting “no” means recognizing your perspective or opinion is not the only one in existence. Accepting “no” also invites the uncomfortable feeling that you might be agreeing to something that you do not believe, when in reality you are merely acknowledging its right to exist.

Consider the opposite, a relationship where you do not feel free to say “no.” One telltale sign of an emotionally abusive relationship is the constant attention to words and actions, also known as “walking on eggshells,” so as to never rouse and anger or disapproval of the abuser. In other words, the victim lacks the freedom to be a distinct person. They can’t say “no.”

The astounding similarities between being with abusive partners and being in an abusive ideological structure is one I’ll cover in future articles, as there’s an important distinction to be made. One can absorb the abusive tenets of their ideological surroundings, without themselves intending to engage in abusive behavior with others. As I said earlier, this is about individuals in their one-on-one relationships, regardless of where the behaviors originated. And the point is, being unable to give or receive “no” is one of many signs that the relationship has turned toxic.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself in order to gauge your relational health in this area. Consider these questions within the context of your various relationships, be them friends, family, coworkers, loved ones, and the like:

Giving “No”-

Do I feel comfortable expressing disagreement with this person, or do I feel strong pressure to agree with them when presented with the choice?
Do I feel this person would accept my disagreement, should I offer it? Why or why not? Are there previous interactions I can draw on to substantiate this belief?
Do I get a sense of anxiety prior to interactions when I might be asked to offer a thought, opinion, or preference?
Do I feel comfortable being a distinct person within the context of this relationship, or do I feel the urgent need to discover and conform to their standards?
Is my disagreement generally met with respect, or with hostility?

Receiving “No”-

How do I respond to disagreement? Do I welcome it, or see it as a personal challenge?
Does my general attitude towards differing opinions give those around me the space to disagree? If unsure, how could I find out?
How readily am I to admit that I am wrong? Am I quick to apologize? How does the answer to these questions impact the actions of those around me?
When was the last time a close relationship challenged or disagreed with me? If it has been a while, what are the implications of that?

These are all important questions to ask, not only to evaluate the health of our different relationships, but to see how we might be creating a toxic environment ourselves. Clinical psychologist and professor Suzanne Philips puts it like this: “If a NO is punished with silence, retaliation or loss of connection, there really are no options to say or hear NO. It is not a point of difference; it is a point of control and relationship loss.” This is correct. We can not and will not ever have a true relationship without the ability to freely and respectfully tell the other person “no.”

Next time: How to argue like a white supremacist.