Hey everyone, I wanted to share with you something I posted last Thanksgiving on Dave Rubin's Locals. As I re-read this post (and the Christmas post I will also be re-sharing as the time approaches), I am saddened by how much politics still looms like a cloud over time that should be spent focusing on our family and the things that are actually important in life. Last year, it was impeachment and Ukraine. This year, it's the election and Coronavirus. I'm honestly pretty sick of it, and I know you are, too.

This reality makes Boghossian and Lindsay's book that much more relevant, particularly this section. I've read How to Have Impossible Conversations probably four times, and this section is still the part that sticks with me the most. Not the tactics for asking calibrated questions, or the methods for infiltrating someone's epistemology. As important as those skills are (and they are incredibly important), the skill of agreeing to disagree, and not allowing disagreements to ruin your relationship, is still the skill I see as most important. It's a lost skill, and increasingly unpopular with partisan ideologues. But that's why it's so important, especially right now with so many issues inflaming our social dynamics. Demonstrating this skill, much like "loving your enemies" (in this case, those who perceive themselves as your ideological enemy) is one of the best testaments to the superiority of our principles and ideas, and the absurdity of those who erroneously see themselves as our moral betters. Take care of yourselves, and have a great Thanksgiving.

In the spirit of the upcoming holidays, I thought it would be worth it to share an excerpt from Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay's new book, 'How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide'. This passage is from the beginning of chapter four, and is primarily geared at focusing on maintaining healthy relationships, rather than just trying to be "right" all the time. This serves as a great reminder for those of us engaged in this culture war, as it can be hard to consistently know when to turn the debate switch "off." Perhaps that's just a problem that I struggle with, but either way, it is still useful advice. Though the context of this passage is discussions between friends, obviously it's just as applicable when it comes to family. Enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving!

(Note: I changed "friendship" to "relationship" in a few instances, since much of the holidays are spent with family)

“It's ok if someone disagrees with you, even about a cherished conclusion… don't make relationships about agreement. Good relationships will keep you healthy and happy. Healthier and happier than anything, including being right. They are also consistently rated as among the most important elements of a good life by those approaching death. Healthy relationships are founded on far more than being correct, or even upon agreement. Meaningful relationships hinge mostly around factors like dependability, kindness, honesty, virtue, empathy, good conversation, mutual caring and goodwill, authenticity, common interests, and valuing the relationship. Most of these have little to do with political or religious opinions, which centuries of human history have proven can largely be set aside, in the name of friendship, or family. Religious or political agreement may help develop and initial connection, but they're seldom sufficient for a deep relationship. Relationships based solely upon these things are rarely sustainable, at least until some deeper substance to the relationship is found. In fact, relationships with these basis can be the opposite of sustainable, as people with weak interpersonal ties often become more guarded, and wearrier when small differences in opinion manifest themselves over time.

In a relationship built only on superficial moral markers, such as religious, for example Catholic, or political, for example Libertarian, identity, small differences can threaten the only basis the relationship has. If you consider how cliquish many church communities can be, you'll appreciate this simple fact. Why throw away a relationship over a disagreement, especially a political one? If an accident happened, and you were sick and dying, would it really matter if the person caring for you, and holding your hand, supported a different political party? How should you handle the "problem" of not being in complete agreement? Simple: let people be wrong. Especially if you're friends. Let your friend say something incorrect, and let it go without indulging the urge to correct or argue. You may both be partly wrong about a given belief, so the truth of "letting them be wrong" has a deeper and more important meaning. It would be foolish to damage the relationship because we merely "think," but do not "know," that the other person is harboring an incorrect view about reality. Often correcting people's beliefs doesn't go well. Many disagreements are waged against the foundation of the relationship, and can diminish the quality of friendships, or ruin more superficial relationships. The decision to criticize, as opposed to engage, someone's beliefs (especially moral beliefs), must be made recognizing the possibility costs, especially when the disagree arises over morally rooted concerns. Differences of opinion, even moral opinion, are not necessarily moral failings. People hold moral beliefs for a range of reasons. From culture, to personal experience, to ignorance. If someone reasons their way to a false moral view, this doesn't make them a bad person. It just means the reasoning was in error.

However, if you choose to engage a friend about an issue upon which you have a substantive disagreement, it's an opportunity for you to develop a deeper relationship. There are better or worse ways to do this. The best: start with listening. Make sure you really understand your friend's point of view, and how they arrived at their conclusions. When you do, restate it back to them, and ask if you've understood correctly. Show that you care about the values behind your friend's beliefs. Don't fall into the trap of caring more about being right, than having fulfilling relationships. If you remain unpersuaded of this advice, then remember that the best chance you have at influencing someone of a different moral position is easily through friendship. Friendship, as Aristotle wrote, is indispensable for having a good life.”